


Baby No (Or How Arthur Can't Stop Swearing Around Babies)

by ilokheimsins



Series: Inceptiversary 2017 Bingo [9]
Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: Arthur and Eames pretend to be married, M/M, arthur teaches a baby to swear, because they're undercover, with a kid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 19:01:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11789439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilokheimsins/pseuds/ilokheimsins
Summary: Arthur and Eames are on a job that sends them to the lovely town of Coral Palms to pretend to be a couple with a baby.  Arthur swears entirely too much for this to be a good idea.





	Baby No (Or How Arthur Can't Stop Swearing Around Babies)

**Author's Note:**

> For inceptiversary bingo 2017.
> 
> Props to you if you can recognize where they've been sent undercover :P

“This is shit,” Arthur complains as he shakes sand out of his favorite shoes.

“Arthur, language,” Eames gasps, “we have a little one with us.”

“Lily, sweetheart, can you say ‘this is shit’?” Arthur coos to the little girl occupying Eames’ arms.

“Shit!” she exclaims proudly and Eames quickly says, “No, darling.  We don’t listen to daddy.  He’s a big mean grumpy pants.”

“Shit!” Lily says again and blows a bubble.

“Ohhhh, is she talking already?  That’s so exciting,” Meredith says as she passes.

“Shit,” Lily tells her seriously and Arthur sighs.  He gives his shoes up as a lost cause and descends the stairs in his bare feet.

Meredith laughs and pinches Lily’s cheek, who looks confused by the idea of someone touching her face.

“They always pick up on the one word you don’t want them to,” she says.  “Why, just the other day, my Bella’s Charlie started copying James and saying dick because he heard him say it on the phone.”

Arthur listens with half an ear as Meredith babbles on and on about baby Charlie and his shockingly good aim when it comes to throwing his mushed vegetables at people.  Eames is a far better listener because he actually likes babies, surprisingly enough.

“Mmhmm, fascinating.  Eames, I think Lily’s had enough sun,” Arthur says absently and plucks Lily out of Eames’ arms to retreat back into the house.

His phone rings as soon as he’s inside and he doesn’t bother with the caller ID before he picks it up.

“Arthur, so there’s bad news.”

“Dammit, Cobb,” Arthur grinds out.

“Dammit,” Lily says.

“Fuck, no, don’t say that,” Arthur says.

Lily scrunches up her face, clearly using her devious baby mind to try and figure out which of those words will get Arthur in the most trouble with Eames if she uses it.

“We figured out who wants the baby,” Cobb says.

“I thought you said this was bad news,” Arthur replies, somewhat confused.

“Yeah, it’s pretty bad,” Cobb admits, “It’s Mancioni.  The crime boss?”

“Ah, fu-foo,” Arthur cuts himself off at Lily’s expectant gaze.

“The good news is that we’re pretty sure we know where he is.  So you’ll be out of Coral Palms in no time.”

“Oh thank fucking god.  If I have to stay one more week in this place I may go hunt down Mancioni myself,” Arthur says.

“It’s not that bad,” Cobb says.

“Just because your grand life dream is to have a timeshare in Tampa for your children to go to the beach during the summer does not mean mine is.”

“It’s really not that bad,” Cobb insists.

“I have sand on my Borgioli’s.  It’s never coming out.”

“Right, got it.  One week.  Please don’t try to hunt Mancioni down with the baby on your hip,” Cobb says and hangs up without a word of goodbye.

Arthur looks contemplatively down at Lily.

“Do you want to help Daddy kill your real dad so he can leave this stupid place?”

“Shit!” Lily says happily.

“Yeah, good enough.  Let’s go murder someone.”

***

“I can’t believe you took the baby out of hiding to kill her biological father,” Cobb groans into his hands.

“You’re the one who put me in a place called Coral Palms for three months and expected everything to be ok.”

“You had Eames with you!”

“Ah, I would like to remain apart from this conversation if at all possible,” Eames interjects.

“Yes, and do you really think Eames would have been able to stop me?”

“He does have a point,” Eames tells Cobb.

“No, he doesn’t.  You have like fifty pounds on him,” Cobb says, boggling at him.

“He does have a point,” Eames tells Arthur.

“No sexual acts of any sort for a month,” Arthur retorts.

“He has a better point,” Eames tells Cobb.

“...I hate you both"


End file.
